In 1996 the band released Loaf, written entirely by Hatfield and Smuldich during the Great Meatloaf Wars of '77. The band cut their metal locks and sported pimp suits, fur coats, eyeliner, cock rings and high heels. The tour was the most unsuccessful stage tour in history, for every night in performance the stage caved in, shooting flaming wood at everyone, destroying the equipment and killing innocent people. Despite repairing and surveying the rigs every night, the same problem would happen, and no engineer could ever come to a conclusion as to why it did. In total, 23,435 innocent fans lost their lives on this tour. The lawsuits still continue to this day. If only they kept their hair long......
ReLoaf (More Meat Here!) saw the light of day in 1997, when Smuldich suggested taping Top 40 radio songs and playing drums over them backwards to appeal to the middle-aged demographic and to compete with Sting in heavy metal circles. Whilst not as musically strong as Loaf, the new radio fans ate it up like hungry lap-dogs and it quickly went to #2 on the Billboard Sell-Out Charts. Smuldich sunk into a deep depression because of its failure to hit the #1 spot. Garbage Inc. was duly released in 1998 as a desperate attempt to regain their old-school fan base, playing cover tunes such as Jeff Daniels’ "Grandfather’s Hat", Steven Seagal’s "Alligator Ass", and even covering their own song again; "Enter Sandwich – Pt 2" (With Added Cowbell). The album was a commercial flop, even with the originally-deleted Garbage Days Re-revivisected... added on Disc 2 – but by this stage no one would book Metallica to play anywhere. With the band’s fortune dwindling, Metallica were slipping closer to bankruptcy. Hatfield spiralled deep into alcoholism, sometimes drinking up to a six-pack of beer a day
BRANIGAN: BEGIN AGAIN
In the fall of 2003, after 5 years in the booming horticultural and mining industries, Metallica released St. Wanker worldwide. Not many people know that the correct way to pronounce the title is rather cockney: "Sain' Wenkaehhhh!!!!", followed immediately with a headbutt and a kick to the groin of the person next to you. This is even a community tradition in the shire of Shadwell, London.
The sheer songwriting complexity is amazing, thanks to the help of Apple computer’s first prototype artificial-intelligence machine purpose-built for the recording sessions: the Sbaitso 3000. The songs were automatically cut and pasted, looped, synched and cropped to fit all on a CD’s length of 80 minutes worth of music. The Sbaitso 3000 also designed the artwork and packaging, marketing, press and manufacturing, and fed Lars’ cocaine habit as well. Said Smuldich; "I feel this is, umm... the next logical step in making music, from our humble chimp ancestors sorting tiny screws in space, to the, umm... Sbaitso 3000 producing, engineering and releasing an album in as little as six days."
Lars Smuldich did not actually play drums on any songs in St. Wanker. All Percussion sounds are made from audio clips of Lars Smuldich after he found out that I Can't Believe It's Not Butter was truthfully, not butter. These audio clips were then dubbed into random songs in the album.
The other 2 years and 8 months spent making of St. Wanker were taken up with deliberating on who would be the next Metallica bassist: Bob Crock or shrink coach Dr. Phil "Constant Use" Towel. It was eventually decided neither would be suitable for the band and both were promptly shot out of a cannon pointed towards Providence, RI.
The newly teetotal guys from Metallica then hired a new bassist right from the jungles of Africa, Robert Gorillo, from the newly discovered gorilla-man species. He was offered the bass and his salary is unbelievably high: 1 ton of bananas a day.
Newkid had left the band two years before this, unhappy with the direction the Jump In The Flora chain of nurseries was heading; which involved the introduction of a new line of manures made directly from the contents of Smuldich’s septic tank as a way to cut production costs. He had also been offered a position as bassist for Canadian metallers VodVod, and thought it the right time to join a band that actually had some degree of musical talent.
There has always been a large debate over what Metallica's best song is: Frantic or Purify? Unfortunately, due to some strange trash can sounds that appear every time one listens to either song, the debate still rages on.
BACK ON THE ROAD LEROY!
Throughout their career, they have always been too lazy to give songs real names. Hence every new song they write is entitled The New Song, and nobody bothers to change it when they write another one. The apparent laziness had reached a new level on tour in 2006 when they released their The Other New Song (Woahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), in which they were too lazy to even write lyrics for the damn song. Hatfield explains it thus: "We're being original and a step ahead of every other band. Thinking outside the trashcan, we raise the bar for the whole metal genre...mmmyyeeeaaaahhh!!! I cant screw up the words, coz there are no words. We're writing as we go along." Kirk, ever the optimist said, "Actually, its supposed to sound like this."
Metallica entered the studio to start writing and recording their follow-up to St. Wanker under the careful eye of Rick 'The Holocaust Never Happened' Rubin. Sources said Smuldich would even return to the 'bottle-cap stick shaker thing' for old-time’s sake, but high hopes were objectively shot down, as most of the waiting world had moved on to bigger, better and more inspiring advancements. Metallica in 2005 went largely unnoticed in musical circles, yet remained unsurpassed in the fields of potting mix and open-cut mining. In the end, they gave up and started smoking pot along with the likes of Britney Spears.
In 2008, Metallica headlined the Leeds and Reading Weekend...which was nice of them.
HAIRY COFFINS!
On October 12, 2008, Metallica got high on cough syrup and their own greedy money in a back alley somewhere in Denmark. They accidentally ingested the trash cans that Lars used on St. Wanker, with the result that when they crapped, a magnetic field was developed around the public loo. This field interfered with the radio transmission, resulting in radio users around the world being treated to the sound of James and Lars making out, and Robert grunting merrily. To save face, Kirk strung some bicycle brake cords across an old shoebox and started hitting the arrangement with his head. This is just another example of how radio friendly Metallica have become. Said Lars of the experience, "I have never had such a good shag since Dave Mustard took my cherry back in '82. The sound of Robert grunting 'I Kissed a Camel...I Liked It' really turns me on."
Celebrated producer Rick Rubin (System Of A Down, Slayer, Dixie Chicks, Linkin Park) delved into the toilets and harvested the solids to create Metallica's new album, IM SO FUCKING RICH AND MANLY MY SOLID CHROME COFFINS GONNA GROW PUBES!!!. Said James, "We have all contributed equally on this album, which is a first for Metallica. This was achieved by a foursome. Sorry, I was too turned on to remember anything." For the first time in twenty years they used conventional band instruments and analog recording equipment, plus rehearsing, practicing and writing decent songs. All the band members are happy with this album (including Cliff Burton, according to Heaven & Co's Archangel Gabriel Post Service), except Lars, whose cans had to be the sacrificial lamb. Said he, "It's horrible. Those cans were in the family. I was conceived in them. I sheltered under them when Ron McGovney was pissing all over the place. I played those drums for 27 years, and now they're gone, GONE, GOOOOOOOONE!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY, GOD? WHY DID YOU LET MY TRUE BABY DIE!?? MR TRASHY THE TRASH CAN WAS A PART OF ME, YA KNOW? PART OF MEEEE!!!!! Damn!! James, pass me some Kleenex! WHY??? WHY, MR TRASHY???"
The album art was created by Kirk. He said later, "I was digging up a grave when I saw this wonderful chrome plated coffin and I had this sudden inspiration for the cover. I was so inspired that I ran down the street shouting 'You-Reek-Ah!'". This rather disappointed James, who was hoping to put a snapshot of Boney M on the cover. Metallica's claims of "Our next album's going to be complex, just like ...And Sputnik For Alf. Plenty of double bass drumming." was finally made good. They even paid MTV to put some snapshots of them on TV, and launched a new website called Pissin' Metallica, which offers fans a kiss from Robert in case they win the contest.
To this day, James Hetfield still thinks their name is Metallic.
The reaction of the concerned toilet to St. Wanker-critics are said to have had the same reaction
ReLoaf (More Meat Here!) saw the light of day in 1997, when Smuldich suggested taping Top 40 radio songs and playing drums over them backwards to appeal to the middle-aged demographic and to compete with Sting in heavy metal circles. Whilst not as musically strong as Loaf, the new radio fans ate it up like hungry lap-dogs and it quickly went to #2 on the Billboard Sell-Out Charts. Smuldich sunk into a deep depression because of its failure to hit the #1 spot. Garbage Inc. was duly released in 1998 as a desperate attempt to regain their old-school fan base, playing cover tunes such as Jeff Daniels’ "Grandfather’s Hat", Steven Seagal’s "Alligator Ass", and even covering their own song again; "Enter Sandwich – Pt 2" (With Added Cowbell). The album was a commercial flop, even with the originally-deleted Garbage Days Re-revivisected... added on Disc 2 – but by this stage no one would book Metallica to play anywhere. With the band’s fortune dwindling, Metallica were slipping closer to bankruptcy. Hatfield spiralled deep into alcoholism, sometimes drinking up to a six-pack of beer a day
BRANIGAN: BEGIN AGAIN
In the fall of 2003, after 5 years in the booming horticultural and mining industries, Metallica released St. Wanker worldwide. Not many people know that the correct way to pronounce the title is rather cockney: "Sain' Wenkaehhhh!!!!", followed immediately with a headbutt and a kick to the groin of the person next to you. This is even a community tradition in the shire of Shadwell, London.
The sheer songwriting complexity is amazing, thanks to the help of Apple computer’s first prototype artificial-intelligence machine purpose-built for the recording sessions: the Sbaitso 3000. The songs were automatically cut and pasted, looped, synched and cropped to fit all on a CD’s length of 80 minutes worth of music. The Sbaitso 3000 also designed the artwork and packaging, marketing, press and manufacturing, and fed Lars’ cocaine habit as well. Said Smuldich; "I feel this is, umm... the next logical step in making music, from our humble chimp ancestors sorting tiny screws in space, to the, umm... Sbaitso 3000 producing, engineering and releasing an album in as little as six days."
Lars Smuldich did not actually play drums on any songs in St. Wanker. All Percussion sounds are made from audio clips of Lars Smuldich after he found out that I Can't Believe It's Not Butter was truthfully, not butter. These audio clips were then dubbed into random songs in the album.
The other 2 years and 8 months spent making of St. Wanker were taken up with deliberating on who would be the next Metallica bassist: Bob Crock or shrink coach Dr. Phil "Constant Use" Towel. It was eventually decided neither would be suitable for the band and both were promptly shot out of a cannon pointed towards Providence, RI.
The newly teetotal guys from Metallica then hired a new bassist right from the jungles of Africa, Robert Gorillo, from the newly discovered gorilla-man species. He was offered the bass and his salary is unbelievably high: 1 ton of bananas a day.
Newkid had left the band two years before this, unhappy with the direction the Jump In The Flora chain of nurseries was heading; which involved the introduction of a new line of manures made directly from the contents of Smuldich’s septic tank as a way to cut production costs. He had also been offered a position as bassist for Canadian metallers VodVod, and thought it the right time to join a band that actually had some degree of musical talent.
There has always been a large debate over what Metallica's best song is: Frantic or Purify? Unfortunately, due to some strange trash can sounds that appear every time one listens to either song, the debate still rages on.
BACK ON THE ROAD LEROY!
Throughout their career, they have always been too lazy to give songs real names. Hence every new song they write is entitled The New Song, and nobody bothers to change it when they write another one. The apparent laziness had reached a new level on tour in 2006 when they released their The Other New Song (Woahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), in which they were too lazy to even write lyrics for the damn song. Hatfield explains it thus: "We're being original and a step ahead of every other band. Thinking outside the trashcan, we raise the bar for the whole metal genre...mmmyyeeeaaaahhh!!! I cant screw up the words, coz there are no words. We're writing as we go along." Kirk, ever the optimist said, "Actually, its supposed to sound like this."
Metallica entered the studio to start writing and recording their follow-up to St. Wanker under the careful eye of Rick 'The Holocaust Never Happened' Rubin. Sources said Smuldich would even return to the 'bottle-cap stick shaker thing' for old-time’s sake, but high hopes were objectively shot down, as most of the waiting world had moved on to bigger, better and more inspiring advancements. Metallica in 2005 went largely unnoticed in musical circles, yet remained unsurpassed in the fields of potting mix and open-cut mining. In the end, they gave up and started smoking pot along with the likes of Britney Spears.
In 2008, Metallica headlined the Leeds and Reading Weekend...which was nice of them.
HAIRY COFFINS!
On October 12, 2008, Metallica got high on cough syrup and their own greedy money in a back alley somewhere in Denmark. They accidentally ingested the trash cans that Lars used on St. Wanker, with the result that when they crapped, a magnetic field was developed around the public loo. This field interfered with the radio transmission, resulting in radio users around the world being treated to the sound of James and Lars making out, and Robert grunting merrily. To save face, Kirk strung some bicycle brake cords across an old shoebox and started hitting the arrangement with his head. This is just another example of how radio friendly Metallica have become. Said Lars of the experience, "I have never had such a good shag since Dave Mustard took my cherry back in '82. The sound of Robert grunting 'I Kissed a Camel...I Liked It' really turns me on."
Celebrated producer Rick Rubin (System Of A Down, Slayer, Dixie Chicks, Linkin Park) delved into the toilets and harvested the solids to create Metallica's new album, IM SO FUCKING RICH AND MANLY MY SOLID CHROME COFFINS GONNA GROW PUBES!!!. Said James, "We have all contributed equally on this album, which is a first for Metallica. This was achieved by a foursome. Sorry, I was too turned on to remember anything." For the first time in twenty years they used conventional band instruments and analog recording equipment, plus rehearsing, practicing and writing decent songs. All the band members are happy with this album (including Cliff Burton, according to Heaven & Co's Archangel Gabriel Post Service), except Lars, whose cans had to be the sacrificial lamb. Said he, "It's horrible. Those cans were in the family. I was conceived in them. I sheltered under them when Ron McGovney was pissing all over the place. I played those drums for 27 years, and now they're gone, GONE, GOOOOOOOONE!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY, GOD? WHY DID YOU LET MY TRUE BABY DIE!?? MR TRASHY THE TRASH CAN WAS A PART OF ME, YA KNOW? PART OF MEEEE!!!!! Damn!! James, pass me some Kleenex! WHY??? WHY, MR TRASHY???"
The album art was created by Kirk. He said later, "I was digging up a grave when I saw this wonderful chrome plated coffin and I had this sudden inspiration for the cover. I was so inspired that I ran down the street shouting 'You-Reek-Ah!'". This rather disappointed James, who was hoping to put a snapshot of Boney M on the cover. Metallica's claims of "Our next album's going to be complex, just like ...And Sputnik For Alf. Plenty of double bass drumming." was finally made good. They even paid MTV to put some snapshots of them on TV, and launched a new website called Pissin' Metallica, which offers fans a kiss from Robert in case they win the contest.
To this day, James Hetfield still thinks their name is Metallic.
The reaction of the concerned toilet to St. Wanker-critics are said to have had the same reaction
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